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But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
-Galatians 5:22-23

I still have one more conclusive post to, well, post for the Boundless thing. Life fail, but no more so than usual. Anyways, I’ve been prodded to post and to post something that interests me at the moment since my other post is giving me writers block, so I’ll address the one statement that’s been driving me nuts lately:

“How are you?”

Oh just dandy! Made some scones, drank some tea, wrote a few emails – pip pip, wot wot and all that jazz. How are you? You’re fine as well? Splendid! Let us go off dancing into the sunset together! Jolly good! Say, while we’re here, you know those Angry Little Girls comics? Where they’re always angry even when they’re smiling? You know, even though I’m smiling, all I want to do is punch your face in.

Ok, maybe not punch your face in, but you get my general mood. Truthfully? I’m not good. But if I told you would you really care? Would you understand? I feel like Alice did after falling down the Rabbit Hole. Why on earth would you want to tell anyone about the world you discovered down there? “You’re mad!” they’d say. And they’d be half right. I’m beyond mad, now. I’m just straight up angry.

Don’t forget to take a shower, Gung-gung!

“I will! Gee-Whiz! I take one every night, after I run my A-1 test!”

Wow, that’s a lot of food. Save some for me, Gung-gung!

“Here, you eat it. I’ll fast. Starve myself. Lose some weight.”

“There he goes again, acting like a big baby.”

That’s not very nice, Grammy.

“So? He’s acting like a baby.”

I guess at first, falling into Dementia/Alzheimer’s World wasn’t too bad. Two years ago it was mostly clear days, occasional off days, and very few reminders to run my “A-1 test.” Now it’s a world of lines and circles, confused memories, and constant reminders to run my “A-1 test” with half eaten food, garbage, and every other object in the house. I learned in Nutrition that there is actually an A1C blood sugar test. It’s used to measure just how crystallized you are on the inside. For the record, diabetes isn’t just a “problem” it’s a disease that kills you from the inside out. Final stages? Dementia is one of them.

I hate repeating myself (even if it’s not because they didn’t hear me the first time). I hate cleaning up after other people (even if it’s not necessarily their fault). I especially hate having to pretend all the time just so someone doesn’t go off the deep end (even if it’s the “correct” thing to do). Take a step to the left? Really, Alzheimer’s support blog? Really?

Ninety percent of the time I just want to take all the stupid junk food, chuck it in the trash, lock up both refrigerators and just let everyone starve. It’s diabetes induced dementia. What do you not understand about that?! Fine! Don’t listen to me! Do whatever you want! See if I care! Why am I stressing out about your choices? I need to study. I want to transfer and get out of here! Ha! And you’re going to give her a car? Pfft… someone’s going to be dead by next year. Man. If this is what I have to look forward to when I get older, please kill me before I turn 30. Thank you.

And yet in all my (almost sorta kinda not quite really justified) rage, God still managed to tap me on my shoulder.

Why are you angry?

Because my stupid grandparents make stupid choices!

Why are you angry?

Because Alzheimer’s is a stupid disease and it sucks!

Why are you angry?

Because it’s in my genes too and I don’t want to end up like that! I just want to die!

Why are you angry?

Because You promised to be a God of comfort and peace. Where is that for me?

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you end to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”
Luke 6:32-26

Rebellious, stubborn, deaf, blind and difficult to love.

Gee, who does that sound like?

Me.

And every other person Christ died for on that cross. The entire Old Testament is practically about God loving a rebellious, stubborn, deaf, blind and difficult to love nation. Granted, His wrath was always justified. Every time I want to be angry, He brings me back to the cross and says, “Look.” He reminds me of Israel. He reminds me that though all of mankind as a whole does not listen to Him and chooses to do their own thing, He still loves us and He sent His Son to die for us. No matter how stubborn or frustrating we got, God never gave up on loving us with patience and gentleness.

It’s not like my family is oblivious to the fact that my Grandparent’s have Alzheimer’s, so in that sense I’m not alone in my suffering. But it’s still not easy. It’s still frustrating. But as I walk with God, I see more and more a reflection of the grace of God in my situation. I don’t want this to be my life, yet it is my life, and He has put me here for a reason. Give me, then, what I need to endure with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Give me something, because I can’t deal with this on my own.

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